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 [05 May 2005|03:19am]
Nine Inch Nails is god...and so is their new cd....letting you know that and all (I was excited to listen to it early on Myspace wootage!

Yeah I guess im doing an update on here......I don't even know why

Yes...its 3:20 am. I have a sociology final at 9 and then me and Kelly are gonna "study" for espanol bahahaha. I have 2 more papers to do by friday and not to mention english,math and the spanish final. Go me. Yes I am a fucktard. Thats ok...going to Hermitage's after party with Michael and the band to watch them perform yay!

Also, Adderall is bbbbbaaaaadddddd. It makes me depressed, have 3 panic attacks within one hour, and weight issues. Dumb meds...so I decided I don't want to take it anymore cause I am obviously cool like that. However my special ed. advisor makes me feel like a dummy and critizes me for taking 18 credits and acts suprised when I wasnt put in some developmental class in highschool.

HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO BITCH! Lets get something straight here....I am not a dummy. When I took my Sylvan Learning Center test in 8th grade I placed in a college reading level and placed in 11th grade math....some how some way on that one. I am not "special" or "retarded" I cant pay attention cause you fucking bore me out of my mind duuuhhhh.

I think I am going to get my hair cut....
Michael is excited on that one lol. He's continuously saying "EMO HAIR!!!!!" WAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Stay cool my babies!
2 comments//Prove your love

 [22 Mar 2005|11:58pm]
ok ok I know, no more journal...but obviously it looks like no one has actually taken me off evern though I said so...

so now I am paying you back by telling you of the newest and hottest fashion trend:

This: http://www.sads.org.uk/holter.jpg
and this: http://sln.fi.edu/biosci2/monitor/images/echo.jpg
is the newest and hottest fashion trend!
After the 31st, everyone is gonna wanna be like me and get an echocardiogram and a holter monitor!
Don't lie, I know you all are so jealous of me!
Most definitely your jealous of the Holter moniter. You too want to wear one for 24 hours and be uncomfortable sleeping, wear super baggy clothes to cover this crap up, and not take a shower!

Be jealous and cry your pretty eyes out.

Last post I swear!
<3 Sara
16 comments//Prove your love

 [20 Mar 2005|08:14pm]
Just letting you guys know I am probably going to get rid of this journal. Its not like anyone really reads this dumb crap anyway. I have my reasons, too many to list I guess. So if you can go ahead and take me off your friends list now.

6 comments//Prove your love

 [19 Mar 2005|09:23am]
Let us see what its like to be Sara for 3 days during spring break when she has an ass load of homework to do, and just can't seem to get herself to do it...

(Kelly, I told you I was procrastinating waayyyy too much :-/

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7 comments//Prove your love

 [16 Mar 2005|08:49pm]
Hey there
I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all
Where you are and how you feel
Put these lights off as these wheels
keep rolling on and on
(And on and on and on)
Slow things down or speed them up
You're running now for way too much
(And on and on and on)
Or you are not gone

And I can't make it on my own
(And I can't make it on my own)
Because my heart is in Ohio

So cut my wrists and black my eyes
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonite and die
Because you kill me
You know you do, you kill me well
You like it too, and I can tell
You never stop until my final breath is gone

Spare me just three last words
"I love you" is all she heard
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever
//Prove your love

 [16 Mar 2005|01:54am]
My mom keeps on crying, saying she is scared we wont be able to make it with the amount of money she makes. And she is talking about borrowing money from people again. I'm sorry, but I can't let her do that. not when I have $1,500 in my account. So...even though I have a feeling I am going to need the money...I told my mom I was going to give her $500 dollars. Thats more then she makes in 2 weeks. I also told her that I would give her most of my pay check once I start going back to work. Instead of giving her $50 a paycheck, I might reverse it and only keep $50 for myself. My mom was fussing at me saying that I shouldn't do that because I have to pay for school. I told her that I will worry about it. I rather go and ask people for money, since I have not asked anyone yet. My dad doesn't pay for much of anything. The only thing he pays for is anything that is dealing with my car---compared to my mom paying my medical co-payments, food, apartment, and cell phone bill (and much more). I only pay $50 a month..even though I pay for food that I want, clothes, and I did pay for most of my college stuff (before my check came in)and I feel guilty. Like I am a lazy bum. I know I'm not. But I still feel bad.

If I have to, I will cash in my bonds..but I really hope I don't have to. And I don't want to get a loan, because I will have to pay that and taxes by the time I am out of school, and thats over a 1000 dollars I dont need to deal with right now...I mean...come on, this is fuckin community college. I need to be able to pay for it myself.

I keep on telling myself that maybe I should quit school and try and work some place full time to help support my mom. But I know she is proud of me, because I am the first in the family to go to college. But I feel like I'm not doing my part. I told my mom I would get rid of AOL once it jumped back to 14.95 (we have a $9.99 a month contract that we cant get rid of) I don't want to...but I want to try and make things work. I don't want to move to a trashy neighborhood. And neither does she. I could imagine what would happen if we had to. Mom would be crying more often because we will be in an unsafe area, and she will feel like a failure. Mom wants to get rid of cable, and me being the selfish person I am, I keep telling her not to. She tries to give me the things I want, and all I do is take take take, and it makes me sick.

I don't want to seem ungreatful. I want my mom to not cry anymore. I wish my dad didn't ruin everything for us.

I wish that people would stop complaining about how "poor" they are when they have a job, a nice car, a nice house, and nice clothes. They have no idea of the word. I won't be a dummy and say that I am poor. I know I am not poor. But I was very close to losing EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING. our money, our house, our cars, and anything of value. We were this.close to losing everything. If we hadn't sold the house when we did, the IRS would have grabbed everything. And where would we be? On the street, thats where. Thats why it pisses me off when people say "oh man, I am so poor! I can't buy that shirt I want" seriously all I hear is "BLAH BLAH BLAH I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE BLAH BLAH BLAH"

How could anyone want to get rich and buy things they don't need, when others suffer so much?

I see these stupid celebrity shows...and how people buy shirts and after one use throw them away, how they have like 8 cars. Millions of dollars, and they spend it on things they barely even fucking use. And sometimes they will give to charity. Oh well fucking thank you! Thats just greedy. How can people like that sleep at night? I just don't know.

I even felt guilty when I said that I wanted to make more than the average. But I just want to not worry about living pay check to pay check. Thats all. I want enough to live comfortably. I dont want to be rich. I would lie if I said I never thought about it...but seriously...being rich..it doesn't make you happy. Material goods don't make you happy. Living your life to the fullest should make you happy. I don't even know how happy I would be with someone who was rich. Because I watched my dad throw away money. He threw away money that wasnt even his. He bought a decked out camero, 4 door truck, 5 houses (tried to get into real estate), a pool, a deck to go around the pool, a sun room, a diamond ring for my mom, and he lent money to people who would never pay him back.He had to have the best of everything. And what is he doing now? Running from the IRS. And watching someone throw away their money...it makes me sick. I freak out. Because I can just picture how things could be.

People don't understand me. They think I am lying when I say that I don't want to be rich or marry someone who is rich. But I don't. I just want to be comfortable. Because I have seen first hand what money does to people. It makes them greedy, it tears people apart, and causes problems for people around those who throw away their money.

I just don't want my children to deal with what I dealt with.
6 comments//Prove your love

 [15 Mar 2005|02:13pm]
Dear "Elian Gonzales",
Here I am, trying to do my homework...and what do I hear? *THUMP THUMP THUTHUTHUTHUMP THUMP* I swear to god little "Elian" I want to go outside, bringing a taco with me, and wait for you to come out on the balcony and tease you with a taco till you jump off. I am not going to say that I hope you die...thats mean. I just wish you would not be able to move your legs for a.long.time. Seriously kid, one day I just might snap and raid your apartment and tie you to a chair. I understand your parents don't give you many toys and that there isn't enough furniture to climb on and break, but that gives you no reason to jump from morning till night. Don't you ever fucking get tired?! How about this, if someone in your apartment has to make noise,tell your parents to have sex or something, because atleast it stays in one area. And tell your parents to use birth control, because I don't know if I can handle another "Elian Gonzales". Just remember "Elian," tacos are your best friend.Thank you, now SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Your spaz-tastic neighbor,
4 comments//Prove your love

 [15 Mar 2005|05:05am]
The lovely things that I have to deal with in spanish 102....i had to write what i do every day, what classes i go to, and then write in past tense what I did last weekend....funnnnnnnnnn *gag choke die*

Sara C______
español 102
Señor Ossandón
Compo 7

Todos los días durante la semana de escuela mi despertidor prende a las seis y cuarto de la mañana. Me despierto y me levanto. Antes me ducho, yo decido lo que llevar. Yo voy a baño y me quito me pijamas, después me ducho. En la ducha me afeito con la crema de afeitar y una navaja. También me lavo con jabon, y me lavo el pelo con champú. Entonces, me seco con la toalla. Luego, me visto en la ropa interior, los bluejeans, una camiseta y una sudadera. Yo voy a mi cuarto y me pieno el pelo. Después, me maquillo con el maquillaje mientras mirro por la espejo. Hago mi mochila con mis libros y cuadernos y después pongo los calcetines y los zapatos de tenis. Después desayuno con mi mamá. Yo tengo los huevos y café. Entonces, voy a la baño y me cepillo los dientes. Entonces, yo llevo mi mochila y voy a la sala. Consigo mis llaves y me despido de mi mamá.
Voy a mi carro y salgo por la universidad. Los lunes y miercoles mi primero clase empieza a las ocho de la mañana. Es mi clase de íngles 112 y mi profesor es Señor McCrimmon. Él muy chistoso y muy interesante. Los estudiantes son intelligentes y chistosos también. Mi clase de íngles termina a las nueve menos diez de la mañana. Despús yo tengo matemáticas 03, también conocida como álgebra de escuela secundario. La clase empieza a las nueve y cuarto de la mañana y termina a las once menos cinco de la mañana. Mi profesora es Señora Lamb y la clase de ella es muy facíl. ¡Yo tengo un cien en la clase! Los estudiantes son confuso y trato de ayudarles. Entonces la clase de álgebra, yo voy a la clase de español 102 con Señor Ossandón. La clase empieza a las once de la mañana y termina a la una menos veinte de la tarde. Él es chistoso, y tratan de explicar las gramaticas de español. Los estudiantes comprenden español más facíl que yo. Los viernes son mismo pero no tengo español.
Los martes y jueves mi clase de la sociología empieza a las ocho de la mañana y termina a las nueve y cuarto de la mañana. Mi profesora, Señora Morrison, es muy joven y es una profesora nueva. La clase de ella no es facíl pero no es dificil. Pero, los estudiantes creen los examenes son muy difícil y mucho estudiantes tienen "F" para la nota. Después sociología, tengo la clase de salud personal. Mi clase empieza a diez y media por la mañana y termina a las doce y cuarto por la tarde. Mi profesor es Señor Sowulewski y la clase de él es muy difícil porque hay mucha informacíon para los estudiantes aprender. ¡Hay soló ocho estudiantes en la clase!
Después de mis clases, voy a la el piso superior de Burnette Hall y hago me tarea. No almuerzo, porque mi medicamento hago no hambriento. Suelo salir de J. Sargent Reynolds a las seis de la noche. Yo llego a mi casa a las seis y cuarto o seis y media. Preparo la cena y como la comida. Después, hablo con mis amigos por teléfono o en el internet. Más tarde, me arreglo dormirme. Me quito mi ropa y mi pongo mi pijamas. Me cepillo los dientes y me acuesto a las dos por la mañana. Yo tengo cuatro horas de sueño.
Durante de fin de semana pasado, no me desperté hasta que a las dos de la tarde. No quise nada despertarme. A las dos de la tarde, me desperté y me levanté. Antes me duché yo decidí lo que llevé. Voy a baño y me quité me pijamas. Después, me duché. Entonces, me sequé y me vestí en la ropa interior, los blue jeans y la camiseta. Fuí a mi cuarto y me peiné el pelo. Después me maquillé con el maquillaje. Entonces, fuí a baño y me cepillé los dientes. Hice mi tarea y terminé a las seis de la noche. Después, salí con mis amigos y llegué a las tres de la mañana. Me arreglé dormirme. Me quité mi ropa y me puse mi pijamas. Me cepillé los dientes y me acosté a las tres y media de la mañana. Yo tuve deiz y media horas de sueño.
//Prove your love

 [13 Mar 2005|10:54pm]
"Never There"

I'm filling up inside
Like i need to open wide
And pour my heart out to you
But i'll just get denied
And all i wanted was someone to hear what i'm going through

Everytime that i need you around
You're never there (never there)
You're never there (never there)
Because in my life is where i need you now
But you're never there (never there)
You're never there (never there)

You were supposed to see
All the signs i left to read in front of your face
You were supposed to be
The closest thing to being me
But you're the furthest away
That's because.....

Everytime that i need you around
You're never there (never there)
You're never there (never there)
Because in my life is where i need you now
But you're never there (never there)
You're never there (never there)

You're never there

And i doubt
That i will ever find out
If there's a way to get out
Of feeling all alone
Cause latley
I've been thinking
That no one's going to save me
I'll do it on my own.....

On my own

Everytime that i need you around
You're never there (never there)
You're never there (never there)
Because in my life is where i need you now
But you're never there (never there)
You're never there (never there)
4 comments//Prove your love

 [13 Mar 2005|10:41pm]
Why is it that a lot of the people I know just cant give me a fucking answer? Just cant give me their fucking opinion? Can't tell me to my fucking face about what they feel?

Because...for some reason people dont like to tell me shit
and I see a pattern
and I think it is unfair
If you ask me what I think
well fuck im going to tell you
If I have a secret and you ask me about it
I will fucking tell you
Even if you dont fucking ask and I think it is important
Im getting tired of dealing with people who act like 5 year olds
cause that cant handle tell me something to my face

enough of the drama ok!?
please im tired of it.
So stop trying to piss me off
because FRIENDS arent supposed to do that shit
"dont know how to put into words"
start off with opening your mouth!

4 comments//Prove your love

 [11 Mar 2005|07:14am]
Kelly...you better be at school today! I got something for yooouuuuu :-D
//Prove your love

 [11 Mar 2005|02:04am]
*shake shake* must...go...to..sleep *shake shake* *grabs 4th cup of coffee and gulps it down* 2:05 am, and I just finished my paper. It better be good damn it, cause its 5 pages. I have never written a paper that long...no kidding. What was it on? heh...Gender and love. I expalined how culture defines how we act as male and female in relationships and then compared it to the two short stories I had to read. God...Sociology is my fuckin life saver. If i wasn't taking sociology...I dont even know what I would be writing. And whatever it would be, it would probably be one page.....double spaced lol.

Have not eatten since 1 pm...and i am a little hungry...but too tired to eat. got to get up at 6:15...one more time before spring break. one more day....actually...no more days...cause its already friday *groan*

Coffee, adderall, and my sociology book saved my ass tonight. I give them a big high five for that...

now Im goin to bed
//Prove your love

 [10 Mar 2005|11:13pm]
You know...CAPD (central auditory processing disorder) sucks. Its gotten worse. I have a hard time understanding what people are saying. I used to follow by looking at the person's mouth to see what they were saying. But for some reason it is more difficult. I don't get it..I seriously don't and it drives me fucking nuts. nuts i tell you!! People laugh, they find it funny....and yeah ok...maybe it is to them, I would laugh too. but it isnt fucking funny to me. It sucks to confuse what someone is saying. it embarrises me. oh well. Thats life.

Mom wants me to tell the doctor about how my heart flutters. I seriously don't want to. its not a big deal. So what, I can deal with it.I can even deal with the feeling of my heart in my throat sometimes. I just don't want to take any dumb tests. I really don't. Mom says I could have a heart murmur (i know i fucked that spelling up) since she has it. Well thanks, but no thanks. I rather not know thank you very much. I dont need another thing wrong with me..seriously I dont. Im good where I am heh.

lol I think we should look at my pretty little list of stuff ok? sound fun? yep it does!

Chronic Depression
CAPD (it is not OFFICIAL,but my psychologist for ADHD testing had told me that it was obvious that I had it, and that it comes with the ADHD territory)
Bipolor (x-D i find this halarious thanks)
(?)Heart murmur(?)

wahahaha Im alright, seriously I am! just a little crazy..but im alright
2 comments//Prove your love

 [10 Mar 2005|05:51pm]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Here is a little story about why Sara can't sleep sometimes
(plus extra pictures)
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Scott, If you send me another anonymous comment asking for more pictures within this week, im gonna have to go crazy psycho on your ass :-P

<3 Sara
10 comments//Prove your love

 [05 Mar 2005|02:44am]
If you guys are cool, you will help me out and vote for my friends' band.

Just click on the link and listen to the song.

Do it NOW!

2 comments//Prove your love

 [03 Mar 2005|01:30pm]
Im sorry that you can't see how hard I tried..

I know you tried, It never went unnoticed
But it hurt when you say I have given up
I just cant keep making myself sick
I just cant keep on crying while you sleep.

I can't keep feeling my heart beating so fast
so fast...
and its so loud
and then I cant breath
and when I stand up...the world spins and turns to black
and I have to hold on to something just so I keep standing
And if I do sleep..I wake up with the same fast racing heart beat.
It has gotten so bad, that I once fell into a wall...
and I almost collapsed
Do you know how scary that feels?

Its not healthy..I have been to the doctor for it before...
At a time I would rather not remember..
And he gave me pills...and I would take them..
Just so I could wake up in the morning and not see the world spin and fade
But i threw them away..
Because I didnt think I had that stress of fighting in my life anymore

But I need them now.

And I need you to know
that I never planned this
I thought it was forever
I never gave up
I will never give up
But I need to walk away from this
I need to try and let go for now
Because life is too short, for both you and me, to be unhappy

I just wish you didnt seem so cold..
I wish you would have said I love you too
Because, out of all this, thats the one thing I deserved
was the assurence that you still love me.

Because...I will always love you...
3 comments//Prove your love

 [02 Mar 2005|11:23pm]
I just love how people ignore me.

its just great

< edit>
And then, when i get a hold of you, you act like i fucking bothered you. I was worried. excuse me, i wont worry about you anymore. You had to go be a jerk and yell at me when I was crying saying I was worried.

god I hope you fucking read this.
I dont care if you were tired
I was worried about you god damn it, and all you had to say was "im really sorry, but im ok" or something
but no, while im crying and trying to calm myself down
you yelled at me.

find someone else to yell at, its not my fucking fault you were cramming for exams.
dont you dare take it out on me
I wont have it anymore
god damn it I was fucking worried about you
and you yelled at me.

its like fucking night and day for you. one minuite your happy, and the next your fucking yelling at me cause I was worried about you.

dont worry, I wont worry about you anymore

Im so sick of crying for you and you continue to give me reasons to cry
2 comments//Prove your love

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